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News-Sentinel.com Your Town. Your Voice.
Opening Arguments

Ho, ho, ho

I don't think the "keep Christ in the closet where he belongs" folks need any help in their efforts to ruin Christmas, but it looks like they're getting it anyway:

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus. And he's a public health menace.

Public health expert Nathan Grills of Monash University in Australia says the beloved Christmas icon should ditch his sleigh and start biking or walking to lose his jelly belly.

Grills' light-hearted research was published online Thursday in the annual Christmas issue of the British medical journal BMJ.

After conducting a literature review, Grills identified a "very high Santa awareness" among children. He determined that Santa made a reckless role model, noting his frequent cookie snacks, occasional cigars and refusal to don a helmet during "extreme sports such as roof surfing and chimney jumping."

He also makes his elves work in sweatshop conditions, cruelly makes his reindeer do work that PETA wouldn't approve of and violates the laws of numerous countries by crossing their boarders illegally. The guy's a regular menace.


Bob G.
Thu, 12/17/2009 - 12:15pm

You forgot about that FACTORY of his at the North Pole that's punching holes in our OZONE layer...!!

Don'cha just want to take ALL these tree-huggers and just smack 'em upside the head with a stocking full of COAL?
(talk about irony in THAT)

Santa's a great role model (and I'd bet he'd make a damn fine President, too...but I never said that, and was never here)


Thu, 12/17/2009 - 2:43pm

Don't forget his sweatshop masquerading as a "work shop." God forbid those elves unionize.

Re: "Keep Christ in the closet" - I'm happy for expressions of Christ, so long as nobody tries to mark their territory by dragging the government or its property into things and so long as everyone remembers that the solstice is the reason for the season. Merry Christmas!