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Opening Arguments

Too close to call

Further proof that this presidential election is going to be nail-biter close. John McCain gets the nod here:

The “John McCain” cockroach took off as if shot from a cannon, rambling down the six feet of the track with ease and one might almost say a sense of real purpose. The “Barack Obama” cockroach seemed addled as it loitered around the gate area. It was no contest. Two cockroaches designated Republican and Democrat ran a comparable race presumably to determine the outcome of the vice presidential election. Here again the Republican cockroach won handily.

But the space alien endorses Obama:

Oh, ha, you say. The alien. But know this, naysayer: The Weekly World News alien has accurately predicted the outcome of every presidential election since Ronald Reagan won in 1980. They don't call them "intelligent" life forms for nothing, okay?

We'll probably have to wait for Elvis or Bigfoot to break the tie.

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