Could I have fries with that mouse?

People are freaking out over revelations that the Lucas Oil Stadium's food service has been cited 42 times and fined $3,900 for, among other things, the presence of mice and mice feces. The vice president of the Capital Improvement Board wants to assure fans, though, that those responsible for the stadium "are deeply committed to meeting the food safety guidelines provided by the Marion County Health Department." Well, thank goodness they're committed. I can see letting 42 citations go by (who hasn't had 42 citations, right?) , but if they allow a 43rd, well, that just shows an unacceptable lack of seriousness. And The Indianapolis Star reports that, by God, even the little people can have a say:

Top executives of a Stamford, Conn.-based food contractor say they have taken steps to ensure that the food sold at Indianapolis' Lucas Oil Stadium will be safe, including adding a 24-hour hotline to report violations.

Centerplate's team -- including CEO and president Des Hague -- said in a news release they are undergoing a "deep review "with Capital Improvement Board executive director Barney Levengood and the venue's operations team that will result in "enhanced processes and procedures."

OK, I am officially mollified. How can you not trust someone who promises a "reep review" that will bring"enhanced processes." Besides, how much can mice eat? Ba-da-boom! Did you hear about the mouse that went to the food stand at a ballgame and ordered the $7.50 hot dog and the $5 soft drink? "We don't serve your kind here," said the man at the counter. "At these prices," said the mouse, "it's no wonder." Ba-da-boom!

All kidding aside, though, has anybody considered that the stadium might just be preparing a new menu item? According to "Unmentionable Quisine," presumably an authority on the subject, raton de campo asado (roasted field mice) make excellent hors d'oeuvres when served with margaritas, and they're easy to prepare; just skin, eviscerate and roast over an open fire or coals. And for those with more refined taste, there is always souris a la creme (mice in cream) or stuffed dormice.

Me, I prefer my recipe for Mongolian Mouse, which is a pretty simple stir-fry dish made with green onions and soy sauce. That might be hard to prepare at a football stadium, though, so we might have to settle for mouseburgers (almost like squirrel but a little drier) or the ratfurter. Considering what goes into hot dogs anyway, the latter would probably be an improvement. Especially if the meat is subjected to an "enhanced process."

Bon appetit!