Flapdoodle

It's clear from their reactions that some people do not think I was sincere in my apology to anyone who might have taken offense at remarks of mine that could have been construed as being insulting to those whose appearance is less than perfect. They seem to think I'm not sorry for what I said, merely that I made the remarks in a public way and got called out on it.

This is so hurtful to me. Some of my best friends are ugly. I have co-workers who are plain. Even some members of my own family could be said, objectively speaking, to be funny-looking. I wouldn't even mind if my sister married someone a little odd-looking, though, God knows, the children would suffer. It's not as if I were raised in a sheltered cocoon of beauty, then became unhinged when I wandered out into the real world and discovered it was filled with unattractive people. There must be something deeper going on here that will take some hard work on my part.

To discover what the problem is, and to prove myself worthy of respect from decent people everywhere, I would like it to be known that I am taking the following steps.

1. I will immediately seek psychological counseling. On further reflection, I don't think the glass of wine was the problem. I think I must have been visually abused in my youth -- snuck up on by a scary-looking teacher in the first grade, perhaps, or maybe I caught a brief glimpse of an unshaven uncle with his teeth out. Such terror can be repressed, to fester for years before bursting forth from the subconscious in the ugliest fashion.

2. I will seek an apporpriate facility at which to undergo rehab. On the famous Bo Derek "10" scale, no one who works there, however well-qualified otherwise, should be above a 4 in looks, so that I might become more comfortable around such people. I will stay at that facility until I have worked out every single personal issue and exorcised every demon, however long it takes. I think two or three days ought to do it.

3. I am seeking a couple of representatives from the FLAP (funny-looking American people) community to act as my envoys in an outreach program. Their purpose will not only be to explain my true and honest feelings, but to also listen to the concerns of the looks-challenged. If anything good is to come of this horrible incident, it will be achieved through mutual understanding.