Popping off

I don't know why people think newspapers are in trouble. They'll still be indispensable as long as they provide such information as this, in an article titled "4 ways to safely open a champagne bottle":

Don't mar what could be a perfect start to the new year with a champagne cork injury to your eye.

It sounds like a long shot, but Dr. Chi-Wah Rudy Yung, chair of the Indiana Eye Injury Registry, has seen it happen. A champagne cork can fly out at speeds of up to 50 mph.

I could have put somebody's eye out! The article advises that the champagne should be chilled to at least 45 degrees and that the bottle should be held at a 45-degree angle away from the person popping the cork. And, for goodness sake, "Make sure there is nobody standing in front of you when you open it." The best way to open a botle of champagne, as anybody knows, is to give it to a woman and let her hit a ship with it. It provides an entertaining diversion, and you don't have to drink the crap.