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Opening Arguments


It's clear from their reactions that some people do not think I was sincere in my apology to anyone who might have taken offense at remarks of mine that could have been construed as being insulting to those whose appearance is less than perfect. They seem to think I'm not sorry for what I said, merely that I made the remarks in a public way and got called out on it.

This is so hurtful to me. Some of my best friends are ugly. I have co-workers who are plain. Even some members of my own family could be said, objectively speaking, to be funny-looking. I wouldn't even mind if my sister married someone a little odd-looking, though, God knows, the children would suffer. It's not as if I were raised in a sheltered cocoon of beauty, then became unhinged when I wandered out into the real world and discovered it was filled with unattractive people. There must be something deeper going on here that will take some hard work on my part.

To discover what the problem is, and to prove myself worthy of respect from decent people everywhere, I would like it to be known that I am taking the following steps.

1. I will immediately seek psychological counseling. On further reflection, I don't think the glass of wine was the problem. I think I must have been visually abused in my youth -- snuck up on by a scary-looking teacher in the first grade, perhaps, or maybe I caught a brief glimpse of an unshaven uncle with his teeth out. Such terror can be repressed, to fester for years before bursting forth from the subconscious in the ugliest fashion.

2. I will seek an apporpriate facility at which to undergo rehab. On the famous Bo Derek "10" scale, no one who works there, however well-qualified otherwise, should be above a 4 in looks, so that I might become more comfortable around such people. I will stay at that facility until I have worked out every single personal issue and exorcised every demon, however long it takes. I think two or three days ought to do it.

3. I am seeking a couple of representatives from the FLAP (funny-looking American people) community to act as my envoys in an outreach program. Their purpose will not only be to explain my true and honest feelings, but to also listen to the concerns of the looks-challenged. If anything good is to come of this horrible incident, it will be achieved through mutual understanding.


Larry Morris
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 6:51am

I'm so glad you took my advice, ... send me the address of the rehad center and I'll forward some photos of me to help you get used to dealing with charter members of FLAP.

brian stouder
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 7:01am

and - say hello to the Butt sisters, for me (Bertha, and what's-her-name)

Jon Olinger
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 8:55am

If you see Mel Gibson, please get me his autograph!!!

Thu, 01/25/2007 - 12:49pm

Much better " your love is more delightful than wine" Song of Solomon

Steve Towsley
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 4:51pm

>They seem to think I'm not sorry for what I
>said... This is so hurtful to me. Some of
>my best friends are ugly. I have co-workers
>who are plain. Even some members of my own
>family could be said, objectively speaking,
>to be funny-looking.

Funny stuff. If we are ever tempted to think people don't notice this kind of thing, take note of the fact that nearly all couples you'll meet, and all cliques of best friends, are of approximately equal ease, or dis-ease, on the eyes. A lot of us seem to gravitate naturally to a mutual estimate of our aesthetic "level." A book could be undertaken on it.

Kenn Gividen
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 5:34pm

[blockquote]"and all cliques of best friends, are of approximately equal ease, or dis-ease, on the eyes."[/blockquote]

Having considered the appearance of my friends, I am very depressed.

Steve Towsley
Thu, 01/25/2007 - 5:48pm

Mr. Gividen --
Thank you for my belly laugh of the day. Take heart - as we get older, I'm sure our earlier insecurities and assumptions apply less and less, except for the people who embarrass themselves on the COPS tv show, that is... ;^D

Kenn Gividen
Fri, 01/26/2007 - 12:23am

Steve Towsley,