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Opening Arguments

Hard times

And I thought we had hit the economic bottom when it was reported that a drug dealer was adding a gasoline surcharge to the price of his dope:

The Dow Jones industrial average rebounded a bit Tuesday, but the true index for measuring hard times - the High End Girlfriend Index - was off the charts.

The HEGI is charted by Edward Hayes, a noted lawyer who started as a Bronx homicide prosecutor but has become the go-to guy among the city's moneyed classes when promises are broken.

"Particularly if you happen to be a woman in trouble," Hayes says.

[. . .]

"The last overhead to go is a really high-end girlfriend," Hayes says. "If you're a short, ugly 40-year-old guy and you're throwing over a high-quality girlfriend, you're desperate."

The absolute economic low comes with a realization that Hayes summarizes in a sentence.

"I can't afford her anymore!"

When he hears of one tumbling titan after another giving up a fabulous girlfriend, Hayes knows we are in the direst of economic times, no matter what the Dow says.

Hayes also has a High End Stripper Index, tracking the girls who are all "homecoming queens who are in grad school" and no longer have investment bankers coming in to throw $100 a pop at them.

Posted in: Current Affairs