And I thought we had hit the economic bottom when it was reported that a drug dealer was adding a gasoline surcharge to the price of his dope:
The Dow Jones industrial average rebounded a bit Tuesday, but the true index for measuring hard times - the High End Girlfriend Index - was off the charts.
"Particularly if you happen to be a woman in trouble," Hayes says.
[. . .]
"The last overhead to go is a really high-end girlfriend," Hayes says. "If you're a short, ugly 40-year-old guy and you're throwing over a high-quality girlfriend, you're desperate."
The absolute economic low comes with a realization that Hayes summarizes in a sentence.
"I can't afford her anymore!"
When he hears of one tumbling titan after another giving up a fabulous girlfriend, Hayes knows we are in the direst of economic times, no matter what the Dow says.
Hayes also has a High End Stripper Index, tracking the girls who are all "homecoming queens who are in grad school" and no longer have investment bankers coming in to throw $100 a pop at them.