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Opening Arguments

Only if it's done right

A Marion County sheriff's deputy working an off-duty security job at a Speedway gas station gets this month's horny cheapskate award. He was charged with official misconduct after a police sting caught him in the act of patronizing a prostitute:

Brizzi said Wagner was heard on a recording offering to trade a pack of cigarettes and a soda for oral sex.

I know the price of cigarettes has gone through the roof, but, geez. He could have at least thrown in a Moon Pie and a couple of Ding Dongs. And while we're on the subject of sleazy sex, here's a very important rule for you: Never, ever rip off your mistress, no matter how desperate you are for money:

The book recounts in great detail the sexual experiences you had with Madoff, and the unflattering comments you made about him physically have drawn quite a bit of attention. Why did you decide to focus on that?
In the months following the scandal breaking, I got a lot of questions about what made Bernie tick. [His allegedly poor endowment] was an issue for Bernie. I started doing some research, and it can impact the psyche from a very early age. I really did feel that this was a part of Bernie's makeup, a big part of his psyche.

Well, sure, I believe that. She didn't reveal his endowment shortcoming for anything as mean as revenge. She just wants us to understand the psychology of the thing. He became a ruthless liar and cheat because he's trying to compensate for having a teeny weenie. Now we understand the whole scandal much better.