You will be glad to know that I have completed the rehab required by my unfortunate lapse of judgment in making sarcastic comments about funny-looking people. At first, I looked for a facility that offered weekend rehab, but I finally realized I had too much going on and could not make that much of a time commitment. Eventually, I managed to find a drive-thru clinic, and I ordered the Super Value Rehab, complete with fries and a drink. And, because follow-through is just as important as the treatment itself, I Super Sized my rehab, which meant I also received a reinforcement CD. I wish the counseling could have lasted a little longer, but in the car ahead of me there was an atheist shattered by the return of prayer to the General Assembly, and a pushy Republican couple in the SUV behind me kept insisting they had to talk about that Pelosi person before their heads exploded. But between the time at the window I did have, and listening to the CD on the trip home, I was able to come to terms with my lookism demons.
What a life-changing experience it was. I realized that lookism is such a horrible stain on this country that I have to do more than change my own attitude. I must bear witness and take the message to all Americans. Did you realize that funny-looking people -- the ugly, the plain, the scary -- have unhappier marriages, make less money, get fewer promotions and are even less likely to get picked up by hitchhikers than pretty people? It's hard to calculate how much damage this does to the American Dream. Just consider -- all the problems you think are cause by other isms, such as racism and sexism and ageism, can almost certainly be traced to lookism. It's not all minorities who are discriminated against -- it's only the funny looking ones. And do you honestly believe that pretty women have as much trouble breaking through the glass ceiling as plain ones?
No, it is all lookism. And there is only one solution. The funny looking people must feel they have as much worth as the rest of us, and the only thing that will do that is money. I know what you're thinking -- another wild scheme to redistribute wealth. No no, no. There will not be a tax on all good-looking people -- just the most beautiful, such as TV personalities and movie starrs who make such obscene amounts of money. Just think what could be accomplish if we took all those undeserved profits and created an alternative-looks pool. We might finally be liberated from our dependence on the beautiful people for our fantasies of self-fulfillment. And if some of them decide there is therefore no profit in being beautiful and drop out of the entertainment industry, I don't think that is too high a price to pay.
Are there any of you who still doubt the urgency of this situation? Get your head out of the sands, people, and read the scientific literature. The overwhelming majority of sociologists, in carefully worded, peer-reviewed studies, agree with me. The debate is over, and we must act now before it is too late. The future of your funny-looking children depends on it.
