Boy, you can wait your whole life for an opening paragraph like this:
Indiana State Police arrested a Chicago man Wednesday afternoon after he was found driving completely nude and masturbating on the Indiana Toll Road.
He told police he was on the way to visit his mother in Ohio. No word yet on whether he is a Republican who preaches family values. Nah. If he were, that would have been in the first paragrah, too.
"Mom! I'm home!"
