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Opening Arguments

Pigs and peas

I hate to bring up pigs again -- remember the whole pit bull vs. hockey mom and "lipstick on a pig" fiasco? -- but an old saying needs repeating: Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, but the pig likes it. A variation might be: Don't try to tell jokes with a comedian. You both might get laughs while lapsing into bad taste, but only the comedian will get away with it. That's about all there really is to say about President Obama's Special Olympics joke on The Tonight Show. But if you want to read lots and lots of opinions about his appearance with Jay Leno, check this out. I've told jokes before that I shouldn't have and even apologized for one or two of them, so I have no advice to offer the president.

I do have some advice in this area, however . . .

On Friday, Michelle Obama will begin digging up a patch of White House lawn to plant a vegetable garden, the first since Eleanor Roosevelt's victory garden in World War II. There will be no beets (the president doesn't like them) but arugula will make the cut.

. . . and it is: No peas, Mr. President! It is true that peas are listed along with things like cucumbers and squash as being relatively easy for the newbie gardener. But, trust me on this, they take up way too much room for very little end product.

And here is a little secret: Nobody really likes peas, Mr. President. And since you and Mrs. Obama are starting to come across like our national parents, telling us we need to be more responsible and metaphorically eat our peas before we have dessert, it would be really bad for the morale of the country for you to actually be growing the stupid things.

Corn, though, different story.