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News-Sentinel.com Your Town. Your Voice.
Opening Arguments

The shape of things to come

I've decided I want a federal government job. I want a nice title, a big office, a hefty salary and an army of bureaucratic fussbudgets I can send around the country to make people's lives miserable. I shall lobby to become the Tire Pressure Minister:

Republicans have been having a lot of fun mocking Sen. Barack Obama's suggestion to a supporter at an Ohio town hall meeting that people could save energy by checking their tire pressure.

Turns out the administration of Gov. Mitch Daniels -- a backer of GOP presdential candidate Sen. John McCain -- thinks it's a good idea, too.

Lt. Gov. Becky Skillman; Indiana Department of Environmental Management Tom Easterly; and Brandon Seitz, director of the Indiana Office of Energy and Defense Development unveiled a new initiative Monday at the Indiana State Fair on simple changes Hoosiers can make to conserve energy and improve the environment.

One of them is checking tire pressure.

Obviously there will be mounting pressure to deal with tires no matter which candidate wins the presidency, so I think I have a good shot at this. The beauty of creating a new federal department -- and, of course, it should be Cabinet level -- is that there are no precedents, so nothing I come up with can be challenged. My first thought is that I will need two deputy ministers -- one in charge of the official tire-pressure inspectors who will make random checks to ensure compliance, and one in charge of the tire-gauge division to set standards for gauges and issue citations whenever it is discovered that precise calibration specifications are being callously ignored. On second thought, between the tire violations and the gauge violations, there will be a lot of criminal activity going on, so I'll need a third deputy minister for the enforcement division.

Applications are now being accepted. (Previous looking-busy experience, such as in the military or on city street crews, preferred but not required.)


Bob G.
Tue, 08/12/2008 - 9:02am

That sounds like the BEST plan I've heard in ages...

And "if" you need a DIRECTOR OF GAUGE CALIBRATION, I'm your man!
(I do have experience on the FEDERAL level)
PLUS...I know how to properly change out that "summer" air for the "winter" air in ANY tire!
"Mr. Morris Goes To Washington"...at long last!