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Opening Arguments


So much in the news seems to be about events beyond our control -- the terrorists are coming! the national debt is crushing us! here comes the tornado -- duck quick! -- that it's nice once in a while to see a story about people who refuse to let adversity overwhelm them:

Incensed about the “messed up” cheeseburgers they purchased at a McDonald’s drive-thru window, two Tennessee men allegedly returned to the fast food joint and vandalized it, cops report.

The peeved patrons were apparently set off by the paucity of onions on their cheeseburgers.

According to a Murfreesboro Police Department report, Christopher Slate, 21, and Sean Mosey, 23 were collared in connection with Sunday’s early-morning attack on the McDonald’s. Each man was charged with felony reckless endangerment and vandalism.

[. . .]

In an interview with cops, Slate said that the duo was “upset with McDonald’s because their cheeseburgers had been messed up.” He then “advised that they went home and continued to drink beer and get worked up about the cheeseburgers.”

Yeah, man, I can't tell you how often a paucity of onions has set me off. Thank goodness I usually just have my cats around to listen to me whine about it. If I had a buddy do drink beer with and get worked up over how messed up that was, I'd probably be out on bail about now.

"Messed up," by the way, has an extensive entry in the Urban Dictionary, but don't let that mislead you. It's really an old Appalachian locution meaning roughly "I ain't a gonna move from this here trailer until you do something about this here paucity of onions."