If you want to confess your guilt without having to suffer the consequences of your actions, what're ya goona do? Put it in your obituary, of course:
Val Patterson’s obituary begins like many others. The cancer victim began by thanking his loving family and explaining his love for life, before stating that he lived by several mottoes.
This is where the reader gets the first impression that Patterson’s obituary might not be like the rest– the man’s first motto was “anything for a laugh,” the second was, “if you break it, I can fix it,” and his requirements for a job were: “1 – All glory, 2 – Top pay, 3 – No work.”
After that, Patterson reveals a litany of mischievous deeds dating back decades– including
[. . .]
Here‘s the second paragraph of Patterson’s first-person obituary:
…I have confessions and things I should now say. As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for. For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work. Now to that really mean Park Ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again. To Disneyland – you can now throw away that “Banned for Life” file you have on me, I’m not a problem anymore – and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this. [Emphasis added].
I'm not sure I'd want my crimes that widely known -- obits are among the most highly read items in the newspaper. Maybe I'll confess in my will: "To my brother I bequeath the peace of mind from knowing that it was I who . . ."