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Opening Arguments

Kill the filthy liar

Butler County, Ohio, Prosecuting Attorney Michael Gmoser: Punxsutawney Phil must die:

On or about February 02,2013, at Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early. Contrary to the Groundhog day report, a snowstorm and record low temperatures have been and are predicted to continue in the near future, which constitutes the offense of MISREPRESENTATION OF EARLY SPRING, a Unclassified Felony, and against the peace and dignity of the State Of Ohio.

SPECIFICATION: The people further find and specify that due to the aggravating circumstances and misrepresentation to the people that the death penalty be implemented to the defendant, Punxsutawney Phil.

OK, it's sick humor, but, admit it -- it is funny. "Unclassified Felony" -- I like that. Maybe we should consider it for meteorologists who pretend to tell us what the weather is going to be like a week from today when they really have no clue. Sure glad it's not used against people who predict election outcomes. I'd have been executed decades ago.

Posted in: Current events