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Opening Arguments

Panic at a slow pace

Ah, the eternal dilemma:

In what might be a testament to the duality of man, or merely a case of bad scheduling, International Panic Day (June 18) and World Sauntering Day (June 19) are placed directly next to each other in the Calendar of Obscure Holidays You Don’t Know or Care About. Obviously this creates a massive conflict of interest to those of us who zealously observe every calendar event the universe can throw at us, so what’s a guy to do - panic or saunter? Not both, surely? After all, it’s common knowledge that only woman can multitask, and it’s been scientifically proven that if a man tries to do two polar activities at once he ends up falling over a cat even if there is no cat in the room.

Actually, both can be done almost simultaneously and frequently are. In fact, a lot of panic comes to people who have been sauntering (metaphorically speaking) and suddenly realize they should have been walking briskly. So, actually, panic day should follow sauntering day on the calendar, not the other way around.

Posted in: Current events