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Opening Arguments

The big unbang

OMG, has FEMA been alerted?

Physicists have long predicted that the universe may one day collapse, and that everything in it will be compressed to a small hard ball. New calculations from physicists at the University of Southern Denmark now confirm this prediction – and they also conclude that the risk of a collapse is even greater than previously thought.

On second thought, this job is much too big for one agency in one country. The United Nations must obviously form a commission on Imminent Universal Collapse to study the possibility of a worldwide tax to fund a feasibility study on how to make everything lighter, and Al Gore needs to head a task force to beat back the propaganda of collapse deniers.

Hey, don't laugh. We only have a few billion years to deal with this.