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Opening Arguments

Nork, nork

Just what the world needs -- a nagging fork:

The fork contains a motion sensor, so it can figure out when it's being lifted to the mouth. If it senses that you're eating too fast, it warns with you with a vibration and a blinking light. The company believes that using the fork 60 to 75 times during meals lasting from 20 to 30 minutes is ideal.

[. . .]

Nutritional experts recommend eating slowly because it takes about 20 minutes to start feeling full. If you eat fast, you may eat too much. The fork is also designed to space your forkfuls so that you have time to chew each one properly. It's like having your mom in a utensil!

Actually, I don't think I eat too fast, but I could use a fork (or a spoon, I'm not picky) that tells me to "Sit up straight!" and "Get your elbows off the table!" and "Close that mouth before you chew, mister!"

Pretty silly idea, really. The idea of nagging is that you eventually do what you know you should just to shut up the nagger. How hard is it just to not bring that stupid fork to the table. You think most people won't after a few meals full of vibrations and blinking lights?

I may have mentioned this before, but I've reached a deal with the people who nag me (of course they're all women). They get to remind me of something three times. The fourth time is nagging, and I may or may not pay attention to them after that. Naturally they quickly found a way around it. "I forgot to say anything yesterday about your need for a haircut. I mention it only to amuse you with my forgetfulness, so this should not be counted as a reminder that gets me closer to the nagging cliff." Pretty passive-agressive bunch, me and my crowd.

We already accept "spork" as a real word, so might we call a nagging fork a nork? Works for me.

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