Giving Santa the bird

America is less and less white, but a melanin-deficient Santa remains the default in commercials, mall casting calls, and movies. Isn’t it time that our image of Santa better serve all the children he delights each Christmas?

Yes, it is. And so I propose that America abandon Santa-as-fat-old-white-man and create a new symbol of Christmas cheer. From here on out, Santa Claus should be a penguin.

That’s right: a penguin.

Why, you ask? For one thing, making Santa Claus an animal rather than an old white male could spare millions of nonwhite kids the insecurity and shame that I remember from childhood. Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, Santa is one of the first iconic figures foisted upon you: He exists as an incredibly powerful image in the imaginations of children across the country (and beyond, of course). That this genial, jolly man can only be seen as white—and consequently, that a Santa of any other hue is merely a  “joke” or a chance to trudge out racist stereotypes—helps perpetuate the whole “white-as-default” notion endemic to American culture (and, of course, not just American culture).

Plus, people love penguins.

Yes, class, we can no longer have a default Santa who is too white, so let's make him a penguin. Lord. Guess the holiday season news slowdown is upon us, because even Fox Newws devoted a panel discussion to this nonsense.

If you can't bear to watch the clip, Megyn Kelly declares that "Santa Claus just is white" and so was Jesus.

Speaking of Jesus, recall that he rose from the dead after three days. Guess that makes him a zombie, huh?

Oh, and not everybody loves penguins. I demand an owl Santa.