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Opening Arguments

Armageddon it on

Good grief:

The new figures reveal that the lightsabre-wielding disciples are only behind Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Judaism and Buddhism in the popularity stakes, excluding non-religious people and people who did not answer.

Following a nationwide campaign, Jedi made it onto the 2001 census, with 390,127 people identifying themselves a decade ago as followers of the fictional Star Wars creed.

Although the number of Jedis has dropped by more than 50 per cent over the past 10 years, they are still the most selected "alternative" faith on the Census, and constitute 0.31% of all people's stated religious affiliation in England and Wales.

Of course, there's every chance a lot of people are just joking around, the way people get enthusiastic over pro wrestling feuds even though they know it's all just theater. But I notice there are more Jedi Knights than followers of Ron Hubbard's sham religion Scientology. And if you've ever heard some of those nutty celebrities who belong, you know they actually believe that crap.

Elsewhere in fringe land:

Ahead of December 21, which marks the conclusion of the 5,125-year "Long Count" Mayan calendar, panic buying of candles and essentials has been reported in China and Russia, along with an explosion in sales of survival shelters in America. In France believers were preparing to converge on a mountain where they believe aliens will rescue them.

The precise manner of Armageddon remains vague, ranging from a catastrophic celestial collision between Earth and the mythical planet Nibiru, also known as Planet X, a disastrous crash with a comet, or the annihilation of civilisation by a giant solar storm.

"The precise manner of Armageddon remains vague." Damn, don't you just hate that? If they don't tell me exactly what Armageddon is so I know what to pack, I ain't going'.

The whole point of religion is to believe in something bigger than yourself. What's the point of clinging to something that just makes you look silly. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not amused. I know, because he told me so. I had a vision. It's not just me. All Pastifarians have the ability to speak directly with the deity.

Oh, well. The sky is darkening and I felt the ground tremble a little, so Armageddon the hell out of here.